Asking for Help (Even When We Don’t Want To)

Military spouses are known for being strong, resourceful, and capable of juggling all the things, sometimes all at once. Deployments, solo parenting, school runs, work schedules, PCS chaos, broken appliances, cars that always seem to break down the moment your spouse leaves, you name it, we find a way to handle it.

And that’s exactly the problem.

Somewhere along the way, we’ve convinced ourselves that we should be able to do it all alone. That asking for help means we’re failing. That if we just try harder, sleep less, or stretch ourselves thinner, we’ll keep everything under control.

But here’s the truth: we can’t do it all. And we’re not supposed to.

When the kids are upset and the spouse at home is playing the role of both parents, it’s easy to slip into overcompensation mode, trying to make up for the absence by saying yes to everything, keeping routines “perfect,” or smoothing over every rough patch. Sometimes it just feels easier to pile more on our shoulders than to admit we need backup. But that weight adds up, fast.

On top of that, we’re often playing the role of full-time worker, both parents, and the one who manages all the household tasks without the other half. Some of us become incredibly independent, taking it all on like it’s normal and typical, because over time, it does start to feel that way. Others find it harder to step into the shoes of the partner who’s gone, whether it’s handling finances, yard work, car maintenance, or the caregiving roles they usually cover. Either way, the load is heavy, and no one should be expected to carry it alone.

Asking for help, whether it’s something big like childcare during a deployment emergency, or something small like a friend grabbing milk from the store when your toddler is melting down, doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human. It builds community and it gives other spouses permission to ask, too.

The irony? Most of us still hesitate. We don’t want to “burden” anyone else. We don’t want to look like we don’t have it together. We don’t want to owe anyone. So we just keep saying, “I’m fine,” even when we’re running on fumes.

But here’s the thing I’ve had to learn (and keep relearning): saying “I need help” is not the same as saying “I can’t handle this life.” It’s saying “I’m strong enough to admit I can’t do it all alone.”

Military life already takes so much from us, our time, our plans, our sense of stability. We don’t have to let it take our health, sanity, or relationships too. Leaning on others isn’t a weakness. It’s survival.

So the next time you’re staring down the mountain of laundry, or trying to figure out how to mow the lawn while wrangling kids, or you just need someone to sit with you over coffee because the silence is too loud, ask. Let someone show up for you.

Because this life? It was never meant to be lived alone.

If asking for help feels overwhelming, start small. Here are some common resources many military families lean on:

• Family Readiness Groups (FRG) / Key Spouse Programs – for connection, updates, and peer support.
• Military & Family Life Counselors (MFLC) – free, confidential counseling for spouses, kids, and families.
• Chaplains – support regardless of faith, often available 24/7.
• Military OneSource – 24/7 resource for counseling, financial advice, relocation assistance, and more.
• Neighbors & Fellow Spouses – sometimes the best help is the family two doors down who “gets it.”
• Caregiver & Volunteer Networks – many bases have spouse-led groups that can step in during emergencies.