Spoiler Alert: Military Life Is Not All Rainbows and Unicorns (And That’s Okay)

Let’s just get this out of the way first:
This is not Army Wives. (If you haven’t watched it, do it! It’s good bingeworthy TV.)
There are no perfectly timed dramatic montages. No script. No soundtrack. And definitely no neatly wrapped resolutions at the end of every episode.

Real-life military spousehood?
It’s messy. It’s emotional. It’s exhausting.
And yes, sometimes, it’s beautiful. But it’s not always the fairytale people imagine when they see the uniform.

The Illusion vs. The Reality

Before I became a military spouse, I had a rough idea of what to expect as I knew people in the military and had heard stories of what life was like. The main points that were made were: supportive communities, patriotism, moving a lot and maybe some lonely nights.

What I didn’t expect was how lonely even in a crowd you can feel.
I didn’t realize your entire life could revolve around someone else’s timeline, and that no matter what you think, feel, or need, your vote doesn’t change a thing. That’s a hard reality to swallow, especially when you’re young, trying to build a life, or raising a family.

Now, I’ll say this: when my husband joined way back when, things were a little different than they are now. A lot comes down to leadership. Good leadership will try to work with soldiers and families when they can. Sometimes, it’s just not possible.

But bad leadership? If you’ve experienced it, you know. And if you haven’t… pray that you never do

There’s no guidebook for how to build a life when half of it is lived waiting on the next set of orders.
And let’s not even talk about the welcome briefings that left out all the real-life stuff, like how to explain deployments to your kids, how to make friends as an adult for the 5th time in 3 years, or how to handle a marriage under constant strain from distance, duty, and burnout.

You Can Love Them and Still Struggle With the Life

Let’s be real: You can be madly in love with your service member and still absolutely not love this lifestyle.

You can support them and still feel frustrated.
You can be proud of them and still wonder if you have to lose pieces of yourself to keep up.
You can be strong and still need a good cry in the car after another goodbye at the airport.

And that doesn’t make you a bad spouse.
It makes you human.

There’s No “One Way” to Do Military Life

Some spouses show up and rock this lifestyle like they were born for it.
Some barely survive each PCS.
Some start businesses, volunteer, build communities.
Others keep their heads down, raise their families, and hold things together behind the scenes.

Some leave.
And that’s okay too.

Not everyone who marries into the military wants to sign up for all of this.
Not everyone can thrive in a lifestyle built on transition.
And choosing your well-being, your mental health, your children’s stability, it’s not weakness. It’s courage.

Give Yourself Permission

You don’t have to “love the life.”
You don’t have to pretend it’s not hard.
You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone.

You are allowed to:

• Struggle with the change.
  
• Miss home.
  
• Be tired of starting over.
  
• Cry when they leave (and also when they come back, because reintegrating is hard too).
  
• Question if this is sustainable.
  
• Set boundaries.
  
• Celebrate the wins.
  
• Be proud and overwhelmed at the same time.
  

Final Thoughts

Military life isn’t all parades and patriotism. It’s missed birthdays, last-minute changes, rebuilding friendships, navigating identity, and finding strength in places you didn’t know you had.

It’s complicated.
And if you’re living it, trying to live it, or deciding not to, just know this:

You are not alone.
There’s no “right” way to be a military spouse.
Only your way.

And if your version includes laughter, tears, grace, grit, and the occasional “What the hell are we doing here?”, you’re doing just fine.